NOW HOLDING OPEN CIRCLES:

1st and 3rd Wednesday of every month
6:30 – 9:00 PM
262 Union Street, West Springfield MA (Park across street from Crepe’s Tea House (261 Union Street), & between Charlie’s Diner and A to Z Movers. –Identify A to Z moving building (3 stories) by AtoZ Moving Trucks & Sign. Entrance is on the ground floor, front (NE) corner of the building.) – there is a white flag hanging in the window.

Contact me directly for more information: boysen[@]h2-om.com. I also encourage you to join our www.meetup.com/openmen group to stay up to date with our meetings.

Open Men has now been running for almost 1 1/2 years. I am pretty proud of that. Our circle of men has grown larger and stronger and more committed. I hope that in 2010 you will make the choice to check us out.

We don’t try to make friendships … we make powerful bonds between men, whether they like each other or not.  A ‘regular guy’ can step into this space and be feel empowered to tell the unvarnished truth about his life. We’re not here to put on a show for each other. We’re not here to set ourselves up in opposition to a perceived ‘other’ in the world. We’re not here to offer salvation. We’re here to cut through the bullshit that we’ve been taught are the fundamentals of being a man. We’re here to step through the fear of showing up authentically, warts and all, in our lives and loves. We’re here to find and explore our self-made purpose.

• If you struggle with commitment, with discipline, with emotional honesty, with feelings of powerlessness or inadequacy, with anger, frustration, depression – this is a kind of bonding that will help you break old patterns and find YOUR PLACE in a community.
• If you are outwardly successful and looking to become more integrated with other parts of  your life – this is a place to come and explore, refine and express the other parts of yourself that may be hiding out in the shadows.
• If you have never felt safe or at ease in a group of men - this is a place to figure out why and to change that. Your success depends on your efforts.
• If you are a change agent, a man working with others for the good of society - this kind of bonding is essential to your efforts to create sustainable solutions in the world.

Without moving beyond ‘connection by cause’ and into ‘bonded commitment’, efforts to create and sustain community will fail … over and over and over. Movements fail not because of the lack of good ideas or even good organization, but because of the lack of mature bonding – the kind of connection that allows groups to overcome personal and psychological blocks and resolve interpersonal conflicts in a way that is energizing rather than draining to their efforts.

This is what we’ve been doing for 25 years in the ManKind Project. This is what we strive for in Open Men.

Is it easy? Hell no. Becoming a mature man isn’t easy. That’s why most men act like immature boys when faced with tough issues – emotional issues.
Is it worth it? Hell yeah. Making this commitment to yourself can change everything in your world.

• Don’t trust anyone, especially men
• Don’t trust anyone, especially women
• Go it alone, you’re safer that way
• Don’t show weakness or vulnerability
• Don’t show power or mastery
• Don’t feel sad, angry, ashamed or guilty
• Don’t look too happy, people will worry
• Don’t admit when you’re wrong
• Don’t take the blame
• Take ALL the blame
• Always say you’re wrong, even when you’re not
• Don’t say NO, people might not like you
• Don’t say YES, people will take advantage of you
• Keep it to yourself, nobody cares anyway
• Don’t share what has hurt you, people will use it against you
• Take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself
• Don’t get support. Only wimps get support
• Don’t let down your guard
• Don’t let the rage out, you might hurt someone
• Don’t let the grief out, you might never come back
• Don’t let the power out, people might expect big things from you
• Don’t let the brilliance show, people will hate you
• Be better
• Stop doing that
• Keep it together
• Put her before you
• Don’t ask for what you want
• Don’t risk looking like a fool
• Don’t forgive them
• Don’t ever forgive you

I can say with confidence that I have broken every one of these ‘Rules’ that I have had in my head for most of my life. I have done this by attending a men’s group.

You can too. You will be surprised by how powerful and courageous you really are.

Now the ‘other’ Rules:

In order to create a space to break so many of our internal rules, we have to make agreements with each other that will free us up to crack through the really hard stuff, the stuff in our heads.  Here they are. These are the ‘Rules’ we use in Open Men and the commitment we make to you.

Groundrules

• Confidentiality – What I say here is confidential. I will not share another man’s words or actions. I will only speak of my own experience and personal learnings. This goes a step beyond medical or legal confidentiality, to create a sense of safety for each man.
• Punctuality – The group will begin on time and end on time. If I arrive late, I will not interrupt the flow of the group.
• Ethical Relationships – This is not a business group. No Solicitations. If I need something, I can ask for it before or after the meeting. I can leave literature on the table.
• Non-Violence – Violence can be physical, verbal or emotional. I acknowledge that my words and actions have an impact on those around me. I am responsible for my words and actions.
• No Drugs or Alcohol – If I am high or have been drinking, I will tell the group. I accept the choice of the group in handling this.

Guidelines for Participation

• Speak openly and truthfully, speak for yourself. Speak in “I” statements, not “we” or “you” statements.
• Any man may pass at any time. Any man may STOP a process.
• I am not here to give advice. If I want advice, I will ask for it specifically. I will ask permission before offering feedback.
• I am responsible for taking care of myself. If I need something, I will ask for it.
• This group operates with an agreement of mandatory reporting. Disclosure of domestic violence, suicidal ideation, or child endangerment will be taken seriously and handled appropriately.

Our Ethical Commitment

This Open Men’s Group is facilitated by members of the ManKind Project, or “MKP,” a 25 year old international not for profit education and training organization. Neither MKP nor this Open Men’s Group are affiliated with any religious practice or political party. We strive to be increasingly inclusive and culturally aware. Open Men’s Circle is not here to sell you anything; attendance is free and there are no obligations nor expectations, financial or otherwise, beyond the groundrules we’ve just mentioned.

The men of MKP have attended a 48 hour primary training called the New Warrior Training Adventure, or “the Training.” To attend the Training, a man needs to pay a fee to cover MKP’s costs to put on the Training. Some scholarship money is available, and a flexible payment process is used to help men of limited means. This Open Men’s Group and the men of MKP receive no financial benefit from you being here now, nor if you someday choose to attend the Training.

The members of MKP who offer this open men’s group do so because we believe in men and we care about our families, our communities and our planet. Every man in this Open Men’s Group is invited to participate fully in the group – to challenge himself. This group is intended to help men grow and meet the challenges of their lives with strength, skill, and peer support. This group is not a substitute for professional mental health services. If you are currently in the care of a Mental Health Professional, ask them if a peer support group could be beneficial for your treatment.

If you are interested in learning more about MKP or the Training after tonight’s group ends, you are invited to take the literature on the table or talk to MKP members. MKP members who are available to talk about these topics, please raise your hands now.

***************************************

That’s it. We’re not here to sell you anything, we’re not here to replace therapy.

We help men grow, because we believe the world needs grown up, mature, and powerful men.
Your family, your community, and the world benefits when you take an active role in your personal growth.

Our goal is to help you learn more about who you are and what you’re passionate about, and help you get more of it. And we want you to help us learn more about who we are as well. It’s always a two way street.

Open Men’s Group meets on the first and third Wednesday of every month from 6:30 – 9:00 PM in West Springfield, MA.

Hope to see you.

Boysen

Here is the Response I wrote:

THANKS! The times they are a changin’ indeed.

Masculinity (and Femininity) need a reset. I get very tired of listening to men a) blame women rather than take responsibility for their happiness, unhappiness, satisfaction, political station, job, etc. b) say and do things which reinforce damaging, violent and emotionally immature stereotypes about men.

I also get very tired of women who either a) blame men rather than take responsibility for getting what they want or creating the relationships they want or b) let men off the hook for being immature and emotionally stunted with statements like ‘boys will be boys’ or c) say and do things that reinforce damaging, psychically violent and emotionally immature stereotypes about women.

It’s a dance that’s been playing for a few tens of thousands of years. You’d think with these huge masses of grey matter, the lizard brain would be a bit more in check.

AND I also feel very strongly that the fundamental mistake is one of denial. We have collectively created a culture of taboos (political correctness could be an example) in which there are whole areas of personality, actions, thoughts and feelings which have been put into a deep dark hole. AND surprise, surprise, these archetypal demons locked in ‘unbreakable’ chains manage to find a way to escape and show up in all kinds of damaging ways in the culture. Gonzo porn, domestic violence, sexualized children, violent misogyny, misandry and homophobia, hypersexuality, women whose first and primary concern is sexual acceptability, men whose first and primary concern is denial of ALL that could be considered feminine. Men are no longer consciously taught to be mature, because there are few men who understand what that maturity looks like, or how to teach it. The same is true of women. And the lot of us are mostly taught by media, which as you pointed out is mostly made, produced and marketed by men. (the same immature men who were never taught otherwise)

Want to break the denial? Create conscious places for men and women to safely explore the taboos, let the demons out of the cages in a safe and conscious way (this does NOT mean enacting them on one another!) and learn what they have to teach us. We’re already letting them out … we’re just making the wildly irresponsible choice to not analyze, process and explore these taboos consciously. When we come to a level of self-awareness about what we hide in our taboo closets, the taboos lose their psychic magnetism – freeing us ALL up to create masculinity and femininity that will support us toward wholeness rather than diminishing us toward gendered mud-flinging.

The good news is that there are more and more men and women waking up, doing their work cleaning out the closets and creating conscious and more emotionally responsible cultures and relationships. They are isolated pockets most of the time, but growing.

And if the predictors work … it will only take about 1% of the population waking up to change the whole game. I think that the huge amount of yelling, fear and panic about this topic might indicate that we’re close to breaking through. I hope so.

For men – I recommend the ManKind Project as a way to start doing the work of taking responsibility for our lives. Cut the shit man. Time to take responsibility for yourself.

AND … we are entering the season when there are more suicides than at any other time of the year. A season in which millions of people use food and alcohol and material goods to disconnect from themselves and the people in their lives. A se    ason when the realities of scarcity of resources has lead so many of us to spend more than we have to ‘prove’ our love for our families. A season in which every day the amount of sun light decreases as we head to the winter solstice. A gray, wet, cold season.

Light and Shadow. That is what we deal with at Open Men. We deal with BOTH sides of the coin of life – not denying the reality of a man’s experience in his world. Not trying to push away or destroy the negative aspects of the personality but to MOVE with them, to integrate them so that your CHOICES about how you respond to the world can expand. Nothing is destroyed … only transformed.

The pain and suffering of life is real. We’re not going to deny it. We’re going to expand what we are capable of facing in the world and expand our options for responding with love and compassion in the face of pain – our own pain and the pain of others.

Tonight we will take some time to explore Gratitude – to recognize what we are grateful for – AND we will take some time to be honest about the blocks, the pain and the fear that is facing us on our paths as men in this world.

Show up. Get support. Embrace more of who you are.

http://www.meetup.com/openmen

In three weeks a group of about 60 men will gather in North Oxford Massachusetts for a weekend training called the New Warrior Training Adventure. In 48 hours these men will have the opportunity to confront the darkest parts of who they are and face their fears. They will have the space to heal parts of their past that have held them back for years. They will have the chance to find within themselves a new kind of power to get the things done in their lives. They will find a connection and trust with other men that they have probably never experienced before.

They will have the opportunity to take a step up the ladder in their own personal evolution – no matter where they are – as a man and as a human being in the world. Every aspect of their lives will be affected.

After this weekend, the New Warrior Training Adventure, these men will be invited to join or form men’s groups. The Springfield Uprising is one such group. We have been meeting weekly for over two years. We help one another through mentoring, exploration, truth telling and building safe spaces to share our lives. This is the continuing work of our circle; to heal, to empower, to trust, to connect, to continue our personal evolution as men and as human beings. You are invited to participate in this evolution – and continue on YOUR path. This open men’s group is for all men.  This open men’s group is FREE. This group is not affiliated with any one spiritual practice, your beliefs are welcome.

We will be holding Open Men’s Circles for the next 3 weeks in a row – October 14th, October 21st, October 28th – from 7pm  to 9pm at 380 Union Street, West Springfield – (at A to Z Movers, look for the big trucks – enter the building on the ground floor under the “Auction Preview Sign”) – more info? Call Boysen 413 883 2462.

Hope to see you there.  You are welcome to bring a friend. I remember that I felt nervous when I attended my first men’s group. I didn’t believe that I would be accepted or welcomed. I didn’t believe that I would fit in. Maybe this is the first fear to confront?

To Learn More about the ManKind Project – the not-for-profit organization that presents the New Warrior Training – CLICK HERE – If you are interested in taking a big step in your life and you want to attend the NWTA happening in 3 weeks – call me – 413 883 2462.

In June of 2007, I was in Northampton, MA at a public screening of Byron Hurt’s HIP HOP Beyond Beats and Rhymes. If you haven’t seen this movie – I recomend it highly. Hurt has done a fantastic job of really opening the connections between rap, hyper-masculinity, violence, misogyny, sexism, homophobia and corrupt capitalism. The film is powerfully edited, smart, compelling. There were about 160 people in attendance at this Sunday night screening. Some very well recognized heavy-weights in the pro-feminist, anti-violence men’s movement were in attendance.  On the way home with the LadyK I tried to verbalize the deep sadness and frustration that I feel about the disconnection between what I do in my work with the ManKind Project and the work that is being done by powerful scholars “intellectual Heavyweights” (as Hurt said) on the front lines of the anti-violence men’s movement.

And the problem is in both houses.

I have been doing this work with MKP for more than 5 years now – I LOVE this work. The power of sitting with men in a safe space, and the work that gets done there, is unbelievable. I have watched men undergo incredible shifts in their world view, make startling changes in their lives, their families, their jobs. I have made incredible strides in my own psychic landscape, stepping into my own leadership and power in a way that I could hardly have conceived just 6 years ago. It has been life altering for me and for many men that I continue to interact with every week. I have a community of men in which I feel supported and in which I can challenge men to look more deeply at themselves. Personal growth is what we do. We are not a political organization. What we ask as the price for admission is that a man take a huge risk and attend an intense initiation into mature masculinity called the New Warrior Training Adventure. Once through that door, men often join men’s Integration Groups, where they sit on a regular basis and do personal work together, using the collective wisdom and skills of the men in the group. There are also other trainings available, leadership opportunities, community gatherings with family, on and on.

There are many men in MKP who are political, but we are not an activist organization – and because this is so, there is little driving force for men to really examine some underlying structural issues that may be informing their world views. We refer to our own “shadows”, the subconscious behaviors, beliefs and traits which we hide, repress and deny. Our work is about making these things conscious, being honest with ourselves and other, and taking responsibility for our actions and emotions. My experience with MKP tells me that if men stick around and are committed to doing their own personal work, they will find their way into an understanding of many of the larger cultural frames that have been informing their beliefs. We do confront what it means to be a man – we do confront the notion that men have to be hard and unfeeling and disconnected from each other. We do confront abuse and perpetration. But we do not politically address patriarchy, white supremacy, homophobia, gender violence. If a man is committed, he will start to find these things for himself and there are men who have the resources to offer a man ready to look. We have a Multi-Cultural Conference every year, we have 3 multicultural trainings, we have workshops geared to confronting sexual issues, issues about women, issues about homophobia – but these are not required and there are no barriers to entrance into MKP. At a fundamental level, this is WHY MKP is so successful. All men are welcome. And I also feel frustrated when my political understanding of the world does not always resonate with other men in my circles, but I know that it is never my place, within that context, to dictate what a man should believe.

And then there is the political world. Men like those in attendance at this screening are doing incredible work in helping people wake up to the problems of our toxic masculine culture, by confronting them with what is wrong in the culture. For a young man to sit down and watch Beyond Beats and Rhymes, it may feel a bit like having a rug pulled out from under him. In psychological terms – it sets up cognitive dissonance between what he thought he was doing and the impact of what he is actually participating in. What he thought the world was about, the lens through which he has seen his world, gets skewed. Skewed like pair of glasses that is too strong. This can be a painful experience. There are many things that can happen. He can suffer through the nausea that this new perception will cause – maybe in time he will be able to integrate this new way of seeing. He can rip the glasses off and smash them – in time he will forget the new awakening that he had (because it is easy to do so in this culture). He can begin lashing out at others who aren’t wearing the new glasses, because his depth perception is off and because it makes his stomach feel less off balance. There are other options as well, but in all these cases, I see a critical piece missing – a focus on emotional growth and development.

These men are inspiring, motivating, captivating. I support and love what they do! But I believe that this powerful intellectual analysis does not offer strong answers to two fundamental questions that face any man who steps through the door into the world of political activism.

1. What do I do with the emotional wreckage that this new understanding reveals?

2. What do I replace my FALSE sense of Power with, or What do I get if I give up my REAL societal power?

There are some men in the activist world for whom these questions may seem irrelevant. They have attained some level of transcendence which allows them to integrate the new emotional shocks to the system.  Maybe they are older, have had years of therapy, have a deep and sincere spiritual practice, have been confronting these issues until they are numb to the shock and pain. They may have released their attachment to wanting personal power in the world. They may have achieved a sense of personal power through their roles as activists and speakers. They are, on some level, cursed by their knowledge and experience.

And then there are the rest of us, the other 99 percent of the men in the world. For us, there is a scab somewhere within, covering a very old set of wounds and beliefs that were locked in place long before we had any political understandings of the world. Being intellectually or emotionally challenged by a film like Tough Guise or Beyond Beats and Rhymes or Dreamworlds may rip that scar off and leave us wondering why the hell we are bleeding again? For many of us, the reaction may be violent when we realize that we have been cut. In one framework used by an organization called Cornerstones, they talk about “habits of closure”. We take risks to be vulnerable, to open ourselves to new experiences or stimuli and there is often a reflex reaction to that opening – a closure. I know what many of my habits of closure are; distance within my relationship, too much TV, use of pornography, overindulgence in food or alcohol – these are things that I have to be keenly aware of after I have experienced a new level of opening in my emotional or intellectual landscape.

I believe that on a cultural scale, the backlash against feminism is one of these closures. In the 80’s, when I was growing up, there was a fairly strong level of societal push to become “politically correct” in discussing issues of race, class and gender. Within each of these issues there are DEEPLY embedded constructions of POWER. When you tell a man that he can no longer have his false sense of personal power over another group (or perhaps his REAL power), you are taking away something that may be the critical facet of his entire cultural existence. What is being offered to replace this?

In much of the literature and speech about letting go of sexism, the offered benefit is “deeper intimacy” in relationships with women and a sense of connection to women and men. I hear many men saying “SO WHAT? I have never had an intimate connection with a woman or a man, I am scared to death of that intimacy, why on earth would I give up something that I am very attached to (my sense of personal power and invulnerability) in order to get something that terrifies me?” Similar things are said in reference to racism. We have the opportunity to create a just and sustainable culture, to have deeper connection and celebration of difference. “SO WHAT? I don’t have to deal with those people, why is it any of my business?” This is a lesson that the sustainability experts are learning now – the totally rational position that we MUST change in order to prevent widespread suffering and death is NOT ENOUGH to convince an irrational consumer to stop consuming. The offered replacement must be compelling in a totally different way. In order to get a corporation to change, it has to save them money. In order to get an individual to change – the benefit of what is being offered must outweigh the costs of giving up the status quo. Political activists have not offered a compelling reason to switch brands yet.

Other men take the incredible risk and give up some of their power in order to embrace something new. Not having had the experience of emotional connection with women, they often look to the people in their lives who seem to know what it is (and who want them to ‘get it’)- WOMEN. From my personal experience – trying to work out the emotional baggage of letting go of power over women with a woman is a recipe for disaster. And here we find the 100% accurate criticisms by Feminists that men should not be looking to women to solve their emotional issues with women OR MEN. (Just as whites should not be looking to people of color to resolve their issues with people of color). Again I hear a man crying out: “So what do you want from me?” And here is the backlash. “Liberals are never satisfied”, “Feminazis”, “Bitches and Hos”, “Pussified Men”, “Ivory Tower Elitists”. There is Pro Wrestling, the Bachelor, Conservative Shock Jocks, Music Video and the Right Wing Blogosphere – OH WAIT, AND the Left Wing Blogoshpere, which is still woefully sexist and racist.

The reaction is a strong reassertion of masculine invulnerability and the intentional subversion of the original intention – to create a more just and unified society. The backlash encourages a “return” to traditional roles, back into the comfortable White Supremacist Patriarchy of US history. I have seen many men who, with good intentions, destroyed their marriages in the 70’s and 80’s while trying to become more intimate in their marriages.  Because they had no outlets, no mentors, and noone except their wives to work on it with. These men often end up feeling wounded and scarred by their attempts to do what they thought they were ’supposed’ to do to improve their relationships.

What I see happen in MKP is men discovering a place to go and look at the emotional wreckage of their cultural and personal wounds – and then having the opportunity to make new choices in their lives TODAY that are not dictated by those wounds. It is men supporting men to be more intimate with everyone by discovering how to be more intimate with one another. It is men struggling through the learning process of how to be an emotional being, as Robert Jensen would say, to become “fully human”. When these lessons start to become integrated, holding on to False or Real Power in relationships becomes less important.

It doesn’t matter to me whether Masculine and Feminine are nothing but cultural constructs. In order to deconstruct them, you have to go inside.  It is the pervasive context of our surroundings. In order to access a man’s psyche – you have to enter through a door that he is willing to open. Jensen said in an op-ed that he had pretty much abandoned hope of reaching some men. MKP can reach those men, it does reach those men. It reaches men that most of us write off. Holding on to the cultural critique of the Mythopoetic men’s movement, or Jungian Psychology or discounting Robert Bly (who I have yet to read) we miss the opportunity to affect change in the everyday world of men. It starts when they recognize that under their anger there is another emotion, and under that one there is another. The process of emotional discovery can prepare a man to raise little boys with a new empathic view of the world. It can let fundamentalist Christians sit with Jews and homosexuals and black men and CRY. It is a transformational first step. My frustration, from the inside, can be that men become content with only digging into the emotional level and may not take the time to look a the structural or contextual layers of their existence. (Belly button gazing). But I would much rather have a man who knows he is scared and can say so, even if he doesn’t know who Andrea Dworkin is.

Furthermore, not all men will become political activists. Why say this? Because I believe the process of becoming an activist gives a person a new sense of personal power to replace what is given up. Activism gives a man a VOICE that he may have never had. It gives him a place to focus his energy and even his aggression in a way that may help society. What about the other 99%? How do we nurture change in men that have NO interest in changing the culture? My belief is that we have to offer them something so compelling that they become willing to let go of the Power they have been holding on to as the soul of their persona. In MKP that offering is about Mission, affirmation and Community. It is about letting men discover for themselves a personal vision and then encouraging and supporting them in a strong community to live focused on the actions that will help them manifest their vision. It could be about their family, it could be about learning to love themselves or tell the truth or even just be kind to others, it could be learning to stand up for the positive change that they wish to see in the world.

The world becomes a safer place when men learn how to feel their sadness, their fear, their shame and anger, without projecting it on another person or class of people. And frankly – many activists do not do this very well. Political Activism can simply become a stand in for other forms of aggression. I note that many of the very progressive talk radio hosts still don’t seem to “get” or care about issues of Gender or Race. I note the stereotype of the “spitting” liberal, taking out their rage on the corporations, governments and organizations that they blame for societal problems. Michael Lerner, in The Left Hand of God, talks about the internal backlash that happened within the peace movement of the late 60’s and early 70’s, when activists learned that other activists were just as likely to hurt them as the “ENEMY”.

It is the subconscious game of “whack a mole”. I bang one head and make it go away and then within some period of time, another head pops up! I witness this in the many “sensitive new age guys” I know who have a sincere love for the women in their lives and struggle with compulsive behaviors with pornography or impulsive anger (neatly wrapped in comfortable clothing). The right wing is the same – it’s not just Liberals who are powering the billions of dollars that flood the porn industry every year, but good Christian folk from the mid-west as well.

And as Byron Hurt points out – 70% of the hard core rap music purchased in the US is purchased by white teenage boys. The intellectual argument may shock them into putting on the new glasses, but what in their lives will support them through the painful transition into mature masculinity? Where will the aggression that they find comforting in the music (as a reflection of internal struggles to understand the world) re-emerge when the music is gone? What will they do with the sense of powerlessness that is part and parcel of today’s society? I believe that if they’re going to be left on their own with the emotional reality,  let them keep the music. If there are not mentors and emotionally responsible men around them – the fantasy of the violent music is safer than the reality of the violence that will play out when the whack-a-mole pops up somewhere else. What is lacking in the discussion is the intentional self-aware exploration of the emotional reality that informs and inspires the fantasy of an artist like Eminem. Highly pressurized material will find a vent. It takes a strong container to focus that pressure into a useful machine that can help society. The ManKind Project creates that container. Eminem has been doing shadow work for a decade. Sadly, because there was no one there to mentor the process – there are essential pieces missing that could lead to healing the wounds and turning a violent fantasy into a useful tool for cultural transformation.

ACTIVISM IS GOOD! It is essential, urgent and vital to the survival of our society. What I want – what I deeply desire – is for activists to make the connection between emotional growth and political activism. One cannot survive long without the other. Activist men limping along with the baggage of their emotional lives in tow, still unable to take responsibility for their unexamined shadows. They rage against the machine as they simultaneaously add reinforcements to the structure they wish to destroy. They carry the load until they burn out, they bludgeon their fellow activists with it or they retreat back into the denial of the painful emotional realities that political activism gives birth to. None of these is a good solution.

Byron Hurt said the conversation after the Film was more important than the film itself. I agree. But the conversation is not enough. There needs to be an alternative for men. Powerful intellectual awakenings are only the beginning of creating systematic change. Systematic change may start with the intellect, but it will depend on emotional development to succeed.

Kings have courts. Presidents have cabinets. CEO’s have boards of advisers. Religious icons have disciples. What we provide is a space to learn deeply about yourself in the company of other men. To challenge yourself, to be recognized for the brilliance that you bring to your world, to get honest about what’s REALLY going on with you, to share in the passages of your life. We are confidants, friends, challengers, sounding boards – we are a band of brothers united by a desire to make ourselves – and the world – a better place. Many men are these days are isolated from one another and from themselves. Many of our relationships are shallow and don’t begin to honestly address the difficulties and triumphs in our lives. Open Men is about getting honest, bravely taking responsibility for your life and helping other men while you help yourself.

You are invited. Bring a friend.

I’m curious about the program. I may check it out but as I explained to J***, while the underlying concepts certainly resonate for me, I’m very peculiar about (and easily distracted by) the language and vessel chosen to convey ideas. Sometimes the idea is meaningful, but the way it’s expressed raises my hackles, sounds off alarms, and I just can’t trust the messenger. And the message itself gets diluted in the process. Sometimes, regardless of the messenger, it takes me years to fully absorb a useful message and translate it into meaningful change.

This really got me thinking. Here’s what I came up with.

I did the NWTA in April 2004, a year after I left a very complicated and painful relationship that I was in for 7 1/2 years. I had known about it for years because my brothers and my Dad had done it.  I was on a good path. I was feeling positive about my life, I had been with the beautiful lady who is now my wife for about 6 months, we were doing really well, I was taking risks again, expanding my world, creating friendships. AND I was ready to look at the deeper stuff – to go beyond therapy, which had really helped me, into active participation in something bigger. I was aware of a part of myself that I was still holding back in my life. Some doorway that hadn’t been opened.

The paragraph about the concepts, ideas and the messenger – I get it. And there is some serious jargon to digest. I have become very conscious about this language, so I hope I don’t bludgeon you with it.

Maybe you’re over-thinking? This kind of intellectual analysis kept me locked in a box for 8 years. For me, it’s an avoidance technique. I can think myself out of doing anything – especially if it calls to me – because that means that I sense something I WANT, but I am afraid to reach out for it, afraid to screw it up. When I dismiss the message because of the way it was delivered, I cut myself off from the opportunity to actually come up with my own insights. I expect perfection. There is none.

The EXPERIENCE is what it’s about. The New Warrior Training Adventure is an initiation into a different way of relating to being a man. It’s about trusting yourself enough to let go of the rope and trusting other men to catch you and not hurt you. It’s about learning what you are capable of – the beautiful good and the horrible bad. It may raise your hackles because it runs so contrary to the Lupis Goitalonis (lone wolf) mentality that most men carry. What? you want me to trust you? F*ck that. You want me to stop thinking for a minute and FEEL? F*ck you. You want me to tell you what I am really about? F*ck off. Last time I did that I got the shit kicked out of me.

I over-analyzed the “intellectual framework” of the work as it was understood by a couple of men with their own understandings, beliefs and biases. (they didn’t have the book shelf that I had, or the degree that I have … blah blah).

I didn’t believe it could possibly be all that the men in my life claimed it was. I said no for 7 years. I argued that I was ‘on my own path’, and that I was learning ‘in other ways’. I read, I went to 12 step meetings, I did therapy with a feminist therapist, I led anti-violence workshops for college students, I sat in some men’s groups sponsored by the local men’s center (and though well intentioned, they never even broke the surface for me). I read all kinds of negative press about the ManKind Project and the ‘mytho-poetic men’s movement’. I argued that it was anti-feminist, that it was brain washing, that it was some kind of pyramid scheme, that it was like a cult. My brother J* just kept asking me to trust him, to trust that he would not do me harm. J* is a very smart man – and he is one of the most cynical people I know- and yet this changed his life.

I chose to do it despite my fears and arguments, because I saw the difference it made in my brothers’ lives and marriages – and the difference it made for their kids. They weren’t brainwashed; they still had their own peculiar (and sometimes ineffective) ways of being, but they were kinder and more open with their wives and children, they were more accountable for their actions, they talked about their feelings, they treated each other with a clear, clean respect. They reacted less and responded more. They started standing up for themselves when they needed to. They made better choices. Most of them no longer participate in MKP men’s groups, but the effects that their time in circles had on them are clear in all their lives. Their kids are growing up with self-confidence that comes from being seen and valued for who they are, from being listened to, from having their emotions accepted and affirmed. My brothers had all this goodness inside, MKP helped them do was open the door to it.

What Happened at my Weekend

It was the most powerful experience I had ever had to that point in my life. Parts of it were cheesy. Sometimes I was PISSED that they were ‘treating us’ that way. Parts I didn’t understand until much later. Sometimes I didn’t like the words that were being used. Feeling the power and care of 65 men who are not playing games, not bullshitting each other is life-altering. I have been sitting in MKP circles of men for 5 years now. And I keep getting more tools, keep deepening my ability to connect to people (everyone), I’ve stepped into leadership, handled the hard stuff, gotten accountable for what’s happening in my life. K* and I have honesty and connection that I haven’t ever experienced. There are some incredible, powerful, brilliant, passionate men out there doing their parts to make the world a better, safer, place for everyone. Many of them have different ideas and ‘frames’ for what this work is. Some I resonate with, others I don’t.

I emerged from the weekend saying … if only I had taken this risk then … I could have avoided hurting my ex-partner as I did, I could have avoided hurting myself for a lot of years. All the perfectly logical reasons I had for not going were actually based in fear of being seen for who I believed I was – broken, doomed to be alone, too afraid to live, a ‘bad’ man, somehow not worthy of being loved and appreciated.

So I understand the idea that the ‘vessel’ is important as a carrier of the message. And I would assert that the ‘vessel’ here is more important than the concepts that you are resonating with. Concepts are easy. You can get the concepts in a book, god knows I do. But you will never begin to approach the experience. There is no other vessel that compares to it.

The red flags are good, they will keep you self-aware, having a strong ego is good for this process. But can you take the next step and trust that you are strong enough to take care of yourself AND allow yourself to fully participate in the experience? The men who lead these weekends are experienced, sharp and dedicated to creating safety. Not to say that there aren’t f*ck-ups, there are, but there is always someone right there to step in. And most of all – there is safety. Emotional and Physical safety to do whatever it takes.

When you come out of it – there are men ready to help you process the other stuff that will inevitably bubble up. But it will be up to you whether you choose to reach out and keep working with it. My opinion is that being in a circle of men is the most responsible choice I can make if I am truly dedicated to making the world a safer place, because that is where I learn how to do it. Thinking that I want to help create a better world means little if I’m too afraid or disempowered to act or if I can’t even handle my own resentments against my neighbors, my wife, my boss. Activism is great! Speaking out is great! Movements implode when in-fighting destroys them. And the in-fighting is not about the concepts, it’s about the failure to process the underlying judgments, motivations, wounds and psychology of the individuals. One person with a poisonous lack of self-awareness can destroy an organization (or a nation!). And only a group of highly self-aware people with finely developed skills will be able to short circuit that destruction. MKP, for me, is about developing those skills.

Lots of men go on to do all sorts of other stuff. I know I have. There are lots of paths. But I have never spoken with a man who does not see how unique and powerful this experience was or how it contributed to making his own path more clear and vibrant – even if he hated the weekend. It gives many men the will and passion to go for their deepest dreams. It gives every man a sense of purpose (of his own creation) that he can go out and live in the world.

There is misogyny in MKP, and homophobia and ignorance and racism and arrogance and self-limiting tribal thinking and unconsciousness, but FAR LESS than I experience in most areas of my life. When that stuff shows up, there are men in MKP willing to stand up and confront it. We are actively confronting those harmful attitudes and beliefs in ourselves and each other, because we trust each other. We have the most self-aware ways of handling conflict that I have ever seen.

Some men who walk away from MKP are simply too attached to their rigid beliefs about difference to make any changes or stand as equals with men who challenge them. We are not a homogenous group. It’s not like being in a circle of just academics, or social activists or blue color workers, conservatives or liberals. Unquestioned beliefs, on both sides, will be questioned. In my opinion, we men can no longer afford to create segregated communities of ‘like-minded’ people. We have to do more than isolate ourselves in this time of global problems.

At a core level for me – it’s about escaping the nihilist belief that I’m alone. Because as a man among men – these men – I’m never alone. These men that I have shared this with – these are the men who will bury me – knowing everything about me and loving me deeply. They will comfort my children and my wife. There will be nothing left unsaid, because there was no fear to prevent me from saying it.

It’s an emotional bungie jump. Scary. Safe.

]]> http://getitom.com/openmen/2009/06/14/how-i-got-involved-in-new-warrior-stuff-the-truth-about-the-mankind-project/feed/ 0 http://getitom.com/openmen/2009/03/15/im-on-a-mission-whats-yours/ http://getitom.com/openmen/2009/03/15/im-on-a-mission-whats-yours/#comments Sun, 15 Mar 2009 20:46:08 +0000 andoact http://getitom.com/openmen/?p=27 Male culture and the ManKind Project are evolving. We are entering another era and another possible tipping point in the culture. This time the energy of expansion is not coming from a reactionary stance about ‘Masculinity’ but rather from a deeply pragmatic understanding that in order to literally save ourselves, men need to deal with their disconnection in a healthy way and learn to get beyond our bullshit with each other – so that we can connect to all people with compassion and work together effectively. It’s about having the skills to sit in circles small and large, to tell the truth, be present and resolve conflicts.

Involvement in the ManKind Project means a few simple things. We share the common experience of a weekend initiation, we sit in men’s circles together and support each other to continue growing and changing, and we work to discover, refine and LIVE a mission in the world. Our missions are our personal responses to our own histories and the reality that we see in the world. Men choose all kinds of missions – with different scopes, strategies and visions.  A few examples happening recently – I have facilitated circles with (and for) all of these men. The energy that they have and the work that they continue to do in circles is inspiring.

• Bill Baue launches Sea Change Radio – a weekly radio program about corporate responsibility, ecology and sustainability – airing on more than 20 stations and available on line at www.cchange.net – he is connected to another brother and his family who are about to launch a cross country tour exploring and reporting on new developments in green living and sustainability.
• Mark Morey and a large group of MKP brothers and their families in southern VT and northern MA have connected to create community focused on cross generational mentoring, connecting to indigenous wisdom and caring for one another in and around Montague – looking at all aspects of their lives and the wider societal impacts (ifnaturallearning.com)
• Chris Martenson’s ‘Crash Course’ about the crisis of money, ecology and society (www.chrismartenson.com) is getting national recognition and his information was presented at the just past international business meeting of MKP by Bill Kauth, one of the founders of MKP, so has now jumped cultural and geographic boundaries to reach the wider world. Chris was on WGBY a couple of weeks ago talking about his work and how community is the key to moving forward.
• Chris Landry is one of the producers working on a documentary film to explore the work of Joanna Macy (www.thegreatturningfilm.org/) with Kristen Chamberlain – exploring what to do and how to approach our growing problems in the world
• Steven Spitzer’s work with men in prison is expanding yearly – and is now being explored as a viable programming option for release programs throughout the state (www.jerichocircle.org)

This is just in New England – there are lots of other great examples happening in centers around the world. I am thrilled with this stuff.

The invitation is open for the April NWTA – we have about 10 spots left. You should act fast to become a part of this vibrant and vital community.